Friday Again September 28, 2007

 

It’s the last day of the work week. Feels like every second is a year.

I’m late this morning. Sitting in front of the PC with Keane playing low and I’m in the privacy of my office.

Work list flashing in my head like red light and I just don’t want to do it.

Don’t want to call anyone. Just want to sit around and stare at the bright sunshine outside the window.

Aye…how great it would be to have a cup of latte right now. Maybe that’s what I need to start working.

 

This week has been very busy but not too productive at work.

And because I’m broke I can’t go shopping anymore this weekend.

It’s a bit depressing to think that I don’t get my usual dosage of retail therapy.

 

The uplifting moment this week probably is that my recruitment agency wrote and told me there are a couple of openings in the market she sees me fit in requirement. And my attorney says my changing of jobs should be no problem with the H1B status.

Nothing has been set up yet. There is a slight anxiety deep down my heart.

But the dullness of Friday has shadowed it for now.

 

Feel like vegetating now…hm

Happy Moon Festival September 25, 2007

 

A point of no return

 

The fact that I have nothing much to say on the blog is a sign of boredom in my life.

I did have a few interesting thoughts. But the boredom of life sucks the juice out of it.

So I’ll try my best to articulate here…

 

"…in everybody’s life there’s a point of no return. And in a very few cases, a point where you can’t go forward anymore. And when we reach that point, all we can do is quietly accept the fact. That’s how we survive." – Kafka on the Shore, Haruki Murakami

 

The more we have changed from who we thought we were, the further we have derailed or shifted course.

If you looked back and wonder how life takes us to where we are, and how little you recognize yourself in the mirror, you know you have passed the point of no return.

Life is going to be completely different from where it used to be and you will not be able to turn the clock back to become that person you once were.

Because of that, people who had once strolled with you were no longer there. And will never be.

You may hear about them some time down the road.

And you would learn that they lead a very different life.

And it only shows how much it is impossible for your paths to cross again.

You may wonder when that point was in time.

How could you have missed that completely until now?

"What did I say?" "Where was I when that happened?" Or…

"Maybe I should have handled the last goodbye better."

"Maybe I should have said something and now the chance is gone forever."

 

And there are people who got stuck at the point of no return without any future.

Cannot go back to how it used to be but cannot move onto any future.

Like a broken record player, they re-live their pain everyday.

Until people around them grow tired of them and walk away.

Until they push the rest of the world away.

Until they are sick of themselves.

They accept unhappiness, and live on carrying that burden.

 

I hope when I reach the inevitable point where I cannot move forward anymore,

that I would accept it as an ending, and stop carrying any burden of life.

There is really nothing more sad than having to carry the knowledge and pain, and continuing surviving.

 

 

Snail pace development September 14, 2007

 

You thought you would have more tolerance and patience with age.

Maybe but not when it comes to things that really matter.

I’m a bit tired of my slow pace development in job switching.

And the motivation is wearing off and I’m slugging back into the comfort zone…slowly.

Need to hurry up. Determination to change comes only once in a blue moon.

hm…

Taking the first step to a different phase September 11, 2007

 

9 years ago I would never have thought that I would actually say this – Life is so incredibly hard to deal with.

It is always easy to say that life is difficult. But it is not the main concern of mine.

Rather, it is the part about dealing with it.

 

Back then, my worries were mostly relationships, meaning of life, and who I was. It was all about me.

Now, they are about getting a better job that I like, staying in NY, figuring out if it’s the right time to move back with my bf, planning for my mom’s retirement, how to get more money and freedom…

It’s all about what is available out there and how to get it.

 

And before you know, you take a wrong step and everything tangles up like a big ball of threads and you have to find out which one to pull first as every single move affects the next, leading you to a different place altogether.

 

Worse still, even a stupid thing you say would hurt another person.

Someone turned out to be the most important one in your life.

And you are lucky that he forgives and continues to give you all he has to offer.

Hard to imagine how bitter the guilty feeling was but it was.

More bitter than losing someone whom you love but who doesn’t love you.

 

And you know what?

2 months later if I do the right thing, all these panic would go away.

Only 60 days and my life may be completely different.

 

Every step we take at this stage of life is so important. And the impact is way beyond yourself.

That may be something worth celebrating and be thrilled about.

It’s kind of scary actually. But exciting.

I hope it would all work out well.

 

BTW, my bunny Toffee is 6 years old now.

As cute as ever.

Good that he doesn’t change despite everything around him does.

Like a little anchor of my heart.

*smile*